making my biggest insecurity public
I don’t think there is a single person on planet earth who never gets insecure at times.
I would usually consider myself on the more confident side (physically). But most recently, I would consider myself almost at the very bottom.
How could I go from appreciating who God made me to look like to crying at the reflection looking back at me?
I developed cystic acne a little after I turned twenty, and with it, I lost almost every bit of my confidence.
My skin has never been a problem. I would get a pimple here and there throughout high school, but I never thought twice about it.
The cystic acne started off slowly. I began to notice more blemishes over the summer. But by September, I had huge blemishes all over my cheeks. Some were red and swollen under the skin. I tried different products both natural and drugstore. I researched, cried, and prayed. The more I seemed to try… The worse it seemed to get.
Finally, I went to the dermatologist. There was nothing I could do except be prescribed Accutane. Cystic acne is hormonal. It doesn’t just get better, but it does continue to get worse.
The problem was I didn’t want to take such a harsh medicine. I went home from my appointment crying.
Two days later, I asked my sister who had taken Accutane years ago for cystic acne. She expressed how great it was, and how quickly her skin cleared up because of it. I cried my eyeballs out, and told her that looking at myself would make me cry. I told her all about my obsession with taking photos of my inflamed skin (hoping to see progress). I explained my fears of the medicine too.
My mom and sister urged me to go through with it, and so, I went back to the dermatologist about a week later to begin the process.
I was sadly one of the few to get worse first before I could start to get better. My wedding was around the corner, and my acne was still very much there.
I ended up spending $200 on makeup for my wedding. My best friend did my makeup, and throughout the entire process, she gave me affirmations. It was a hard job to cover up the acne, but an even harder job to keep me confident. She did both jobs like it was nothing.
When I first began taking medicine, it was all I could talk about to EVERYONE. That's my face. I can only cover it up so much. I believed that everyone needed to know I was taking medicine. It was like I felt like I had to stickup for myself. As if I was saying, “Don’t worry about my face. I am taking care of it.”
I have become overly critical about what I post on social media. I lost so much self-esteem. I became critical over my personality. The perfectionist in me comes out a little more everyday. I was careful about what my face looked like in photos, and I was even more careful about what I had to say. To me, my personality was all I had left, and I didn’t want to mess that up.
I am about to start month four of five of my Accutane. My face isn’t so much covered in big pimples as it once was, but the scarring is red and all over. My face will heal more once I get off of the medicine (in terms of scarring). Until then, I work everyday to accept the way I look.
Acne doesn’t have to make me feel any less of who I am. I am still the same me.
Whatever it is that makes you insecure doesn't make you any less you. Don't let that insecurity get to you the way I let mine get to me. Let the beauty within shine so bright that even you can't see your flaws.
Now, why would I draw attention to my biggest insecurity? For pity? Attention? Compliments?
No. I need the sense of freedom back. I don’t want to hide my face in shame. I have always been so open and honest, and yet, I have been almost silent about something that has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Most importantly, I want others to know... That even the most confident get insecure sometimes.
I allowed acne to take so much away from me, and now, I want to take those things back. For me, the first step was finally addressing it to you all.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog! I have another blog where I post daily as well. Check it out @ gracekbianco.medium.com !!
If you have any questions / comments about this blog or any of my other blogs, feel free to reach out. You can message me through the blog, email me, dm me, and/or comment down below. Don’t forget to scroll to the bottom of my website to subscribe to my blog! And as always, you are ALL loved and appreciated!!! <3 <3 <3
PEACE OUT UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!!