how i have been doing (mentally)
Updated: Aug 2, 2021
"Jesus Christ is the same
yesterday and today
It has been a while since I gave a mental health update. The last update I gave was from back in April, “home sweet home?”. I believe that as a Christian blogger it is good to show both my steps forward and backward.
To really give the best update, I have to start back a little ways.
When I was put on Accutane for my cystic acne back in November, I was put on a dosage that was perfect for my weight. There was a lot going on in my life at the time. I was struggling hard with self confidence due to my sudden chronic acne. I had two more months to plan a wedding. I was getting ready to move out of my parents’ house for the first time ever. It was a lot of life changes to wrap my head around.
Accutane is known for its side effects. The number one side effect being depression and suicidal thoughts. I had been doing pretty well on it, but my acne was not going away at the rate it was supposed to. By month four, my dose was upped to the highest possible. My lips were cracking from being so dried out. My skin was peeling off of my face. I had the headaches and the fatigue that come with such a high dosage. But the physical side effects weren’t the only thing becoming more drastic.
I started suffering from “crying spells”. I would get home from work and cry. My husband would hug me and all the heaviness inside me would come out in tears. I was starting to become incredibly depressed, but I did everything in my power to push past it.
Around that time, my husband and I left for his work. I wasn’t just going to be in a different house from my parents, but now, I would be in different state. My husband got put on night shift, and despite being alone 95% of the time, it all started out good.
Then, I got a text message from my dad. My grandmother had a few days to live. My mental health was already spiraling, but this sent me into complete depression. My body was so tired. I don’t remember much from the time I found out she was dying to a little after she had died. I just remember never feeling like I got enough sleep and just a never ending stream of tears.
I went home for a bit, and then, went back to my husband. The loneliness was a lot, and I still couldn’t move past the harsh depression. I ended up going back home just visiting my husband occasionally.
Fast forward a couple of months, I was taken off Accutane in May after having to go through an extra month of it. In June, I could feel the depression being lifted off of my shoulders. My anxiety was pretty high. I was just a mix of emotions still trying to navigate my life after all I went through.
As I write this on July 21st, almost exactly two months after being taken off that medication, I am happy to report that I am starting to feel more like myself. I am no longer feeling the weight from depressive thoughts. My anxiety is back to being it’s regular slight annoyance. I can handle the anxiety, but being depressed is just not something I am used to.
Life with anxiety is just a constant battle of the mind. One side is reassuring while the other has a list of reasons why everything is not okay. Every single day is another day to give to God. On days I wake up more anxious, I spend majority of the it giving and re-giving my worries to Him.
I am so happy and relieved to see my mental health becoming more bearable, and it is so relieving to feel more like myself again. I feel so grateful for the people who took care of me and would reach out to me during that time.
Whatever you are going through today, I want to remind you that it does get better. I struggled with seeing an end to being so depressed. I am blessed that the causes were from medication and grief. Although, I still have my moments of grief, I am joyful my grandmother is not just no longer suffering but getting to spend eternity in paradise. You will make it through this. You just have to keep pushing ahead. Give your struggles to God, and feel the weight of the world being lifted off of your shoulders. On days, you do not feel strong enough, understand that He is MORE than strong enough to take it on Himself. You just have to be willing to give it to Him.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog! I have another blog page where I post way more frequently on there as well. Check it out @ gracekbianco.medium.com !!
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PEACE OUT UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!!