• Grace Ehlers


“When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy.” - Psalm 94:19

This bible verse has been playing in my head on repeat over and over lately. Every once in awhile, my mind will get attached to a Bible verse, and it brings me overwhelmingly amounts of comfort.

With my new life of quitting my nanny job and beginning the traveling around with my husband for his work, there were days I would get super overwhelmed. I would get home from work, and my body would just feel heavy. It was like my body could feel the weight of my mind. I was becoming more exhausted by the day.

I could usually get through most of the day. I could shove it all down, and be the same me. But by some evenings, it was hard to not show. It would take one thing, and I’d break. Sometimes, that meant getting frustrated with my husband or just not being able to hold back the tears. It wasn’t every evening. It was here and there. It could be twice in a row and then, nothing at all for the next few days.

I would mention my strong emotions and exhaustion to friends and family. I would tell them, “There’s this game I like to play called, ‘Why am I crying?’ Is it because of Accutane’s side effects, my new life, anticipation of leaving everyone to travel with my husband, birth control, or just me?” For the most part, I got quite a few laughs from it. Laughter is always the best medicine, and it helped me see things in a less depressing perspective.

But I think what jolted me was what my husband, Harrison, said to me. One night he said something and I didn’t like it, I guess I got my “thinking face” (I get quiet and stare) on.

He told me, “Come on, babe. Let’s have a good night tonight.”

I questioned him, “A good night tonight? That’s what toxic couples say to each other when they fight too much, and we hardly, if ever, fight.”

“I meant like you’ve just been sad the past couple of nights.”

I took it personally at first. I thought he was saying I was being a pain. Then, I was like “wait, hold up. He didn’t say that. He is saying it how it has been. I have been struggling, and he just wants me happy.” I “flipped the switch” in my head, and we did have a great rest of the night that night.

Another time, Harrison told me I was more depressed than I had ever been. I am not a depressed person. In high school, I struggled with being depressed at times, but I haven’t struggled with it all since.

Harrison didn’t say some crazy revelation. All he did was address my feelings in a honest way, and I pondered his simple but thoughtful words many times.

I’m not suffering from depression. I am just going through a rocky patch. I am happy person. I don’t want my husband to come home from work, and wonder what mood I will be in. I want him to come home to a happy and loving wife, the woman he married.

Accutane really does play a part in these sudden mood changes, and somedays, I can only do so much. But the past few days, I have felt amazing again.

About a week ago, I had a bad night, and was up until 2am. I was walking around my house. I went into the guest room, and read from Job. I prayed for peace and comfort. I woke up tired that morning, but later that day, the Bible verse up above started to go though my head.

Every time, I feel my mind wander into the unknown negatively that Bible verse takes over my thoughts.

It hasn’t been easy lately, but God’s consolation brings me joy. No matter what I deal with, I know God will be right there to help me get through it. I will fall again, but I know I will bounce right back. I also know that I will feel even more joyful than I had before.

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